Survivors of Hollywood: The who’s-who of the post world
When we think about the post-world we often don’t think beyond ourselves and our immediate families. We understand that the apocalypse will bring with it mass chaos, disaster, and death and all we can really do is prepare and hope that we survive. Hopefully most of us will be able to take our closest family and friends into the post-world with us, but…what about everyone else?
We love ’em, we hate ’em Hollywood’s stars penetrate our lives so deeply many of us even feel we have a personal relationship with our favorites though we’ve never met them. These are not people we’ll be able to support post-apocalypse but many of us will feel their absence nonetheless. Endeavoring to create an exercise in empathy for us all, let’s play a little game: Survivors of Hollywood. I’ll run through some of today’s most popular stars, predicting if they’ll survive the apocalypse. Feel free to visualize the post-world with or without each of these icons and shout if you disagree with my predictions.
50 Cent: Survivor. Seriously, this man’s a tank. I’m pretty sure that unless an astroid dropped out of the sky onto his head he’d pull through. So far he’s survived 9 gun wounds, a stomach virus, and a recent car accident with a Mack truck.
Taylor Swift: Victim. Love her and all but unless she plans to charm invading aliens into submission I’m pretty sure this pop-princess doesn’t stand a chance. Wish she would make it though – she’d probably put out a killer ballad about TEOTWAWKI.
Justin Bieber: Victim. This one isn’t a statement on Bieber’s survival skills – in fact, I have absolutely nothing to say about this creampuff. But considering how many riots seem to start in his honor I’m pretty sure he’d be the #1 target in a zombie uprising.
Pink: Survivor. She’s got killer pipes and kicks ass. Can she be on my team?
Tom Cruise: Victim. Despite having stared in every single Mission Impossible film and about a dozen other half-baked action flicks this is a man who doesn’t learn from his mistakes. Three divorces later and the smart money is still on a fourth wedding, a fourth 5-year marriage, and a fourth divorce.
Channing Tatum: Survivor. He’s pretty, particularly buff, and people seem to have a healthy respect for him. Let’s just hope he’s smart enough to turn tail and run at the first sign of a nuclear war or economic collapse. Such things may take their own sweet time affecting the wealthy but if Tatum makes it out I see him being a small-scale post-world leader just for being likable.
Kanye West: Survivor. Ok, so he’s an asshole. I said he’d survie not be popular. Really though – the apocalypse is one situation where being kind of a jerk will pay off – he’ll do what it take to survive, no questions asked. Other stars who are just awful enough they’ll probably survive include Mel Gibson, Chris Brown, John Meyer, Megan Fox, and Snooki.
Scarlett Johansson: Survivor. Despite being a life-long city girl and staunch actress Scarlett’s fit body suggests she’s physically prepared to take on the task of bugging out. She’s also an ambassador for Oxfam International, which may not be important in the current world but any enhanced negotiation or presentation skills will serve her well in a post-world marred by war.
Rihanna: Victim. Even though I think Rihanna is a pretty tough cookie physically I worry she might not have the psychological fortitude to withstand any significant changes in the workings of the world. This is one who’d succumb to madness far before succumbing to the zombie scourge.
Any another favorite Hollywood-ians that you think will or won’t make it? Share away.